LOIS VS CLARK: PRANK WARS, VOL2
by Ballyuk
Summary: Lois and Clark are at it again, pranking each other and upping the ante. More cunning and more risque than last time. Sequel to "LOIS VS CLARK: PRANK WARS", set between 8x05 (Committed) and 8x10 (Bride).
1. Hand In My Pocket

**Author's Note: I do not own the characters or the song titles used for each chapter. Again the story is written as 5 vignettes, and this time has more interaction between the bickering duo and other people.**

* * *

 **LOIS VS. CLARK: PRANK WARS, VOL.2.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Hand In My Pocket.**

Tapping her pencil against the edge of the desk, she sighed for the umpteenth time. As if it wasn't enough that some psychotic jeweller had drugged, kidnapped and then forced a confession of love out of her to the very person she had no inclination of ever admitting to having any kind of romantic feelings for, the happy couple sharing her apartment had made sleep very difficult for her. There are only so many cups of coffee that can mask sleep deprivation.

She'd been surprised by Clark's progress at the Daily Planet as a junior reporter. Sure she'd labelled him as a mere copy boy but that was just her way of saying she was still the top dog and the one who set the rules. She didn't want him to get ahead of himself although she knew him well enough to know that he was actually selfless to a fault.

Lois had seen the way Clark had thrown himself into his job with full commitment as if to bury his heartache over the loss of the love of his life - one Lana Lang. Lois believed that Lana had done a real number on him over the years, leaving him with a blinkered approach to his love life and difficulty in moving on. She believed it was up to her to rectify it, and the first step was to remove the bumbling shyness that represented the first impression many women would have of him. Well, that and the body of a Greek god. The only problem was that it was difficult not to be amused by the bumbling shyness.

She looked over to the door of the bullpen and saw him striding down the stairs at that very moment. Crisp white shirt and a tie whose colour was described as 'aquamarine', all beneath a black raincoat which stopped about halfway down his thighs. _How is he still single?_ She watched as one of the interns from a different floor (there were so many interns and she didn't know most of their names, but she could tell if they worked down in the bullpen or not) passed by Clark and waved 'Hi' to him flirtatiously. Clark in his naïve farmboy way immediately put his hands in his coat pockets and nodded nervously - anything remotely sexual seeming to get him a little flustered. Lois had seen this reaction a few times and noted that it must be his default. _I could have a little fun with that!_

"Smallville, down boy!" she called out, breaking his daze and embarrassing him in front of the intern. He walked over to his desk without looking Lois in the eye, but he knew she was smirking at him.

* * *

The following morning saw Lois at her desk early again, and Clark yet again miraculously showed up just a couple of minutes early. He'd just put his coat behind his chair when an assistant called from the door to say he was wanted in Tess Mercer's office.

 _That's the third time she's spoken to him and I've not even had a hello yet. We've not even spoken since I found out she was my new boss._

He glanced over at Lois who was watching him, before heading back out of the bullpen with the assistant. Lois sighed. She saw his coat hanging behind his chair and decided this was the window of opportunity. Quickly reaching into her handbag, she discreetly pulled out the bra she'd brought in for this purpose - a red lacy number she hardly wore nowadays - and scooted over to place it in the right front pocket of Clark's coat. With that, she made her way over to the coffee station for a cup of much-needed Java.

Thirty minutes later, Clark was still away from his desk. Lois headed over for more coffee and had just finished pouring when she heard a voice behind her.

"Hey Lois, could I ask you something?"

Lois turned around to see one of the bullpen's interns standing behind her. She was dressed in a green blouse with dark pants, emphasis on the cleavage. Her blonde hair hung freely past her shoulders and she had a gold heart-shaped pendant around her neck.

"Hi, er…" Lois offered her hands in a gesture that suggested she didn't know the intern's name.

"Jess," said Jess the intern.

"Right, Jess, what can I do for ya?"

"Well, you and Clark work together right? I was just wondering if he was seeing anybody."

Lois perked up, suddenly interested. "Oooohhh, thinking of asking him out huh?"

Jess blushed a little, looking down nervously. "Um, yeah…kinda, sorta..um…"

"Well Jess, as far as I know, he isn't seeing anybody."

"He seems like a really nice guy," said Jess, visibly lifted by the knowledge that Clark wasn't yet taken.

"Clark _is_ a really nice guy. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to get his number Jess," offered Lois. This was going to be a cinch now.

"Yeah," sighed Jess a little dreamily. Suddenly aware of Lois again, she blinked and quickly added, "Well, I'd best get going. Hey, thanks again Lois."

"No problem," said Lois with a friendly smile.

With that, Jess started to walk away from the coffee station, only for Lois to stop her by adding, "You know, when you say 'Hi', offer to shake his hand. He's a country boy, good manners and all that you know."

Jess smiled and nodded before walking away again, and Lois rolled her eyes.

Clark had been gone for almost three hours. When he returned, Lois was busy proofing her latest article. He walked to his desk and grabbed his coat ready to leave again.

"Going somewhere?"

"Yeah, Ms. Mercer asked me and a couple of other new guys on the third and fourth floors out to lunch. I think it's a sort of 'welcome to the Planet' thing for us newbies."

He'd just put his coat on when Lois saw Jess heading their way. She got up and pretended to head back towards the coffee station, all the while keeping an eye on proceedings.

"Um, excuse me, Clark?"

Clark turned round to see a smiling young blonde with ample cleavage. His hands went into his coat pockets immediately. "Yeah?"

"I was wondering if we could maybe talk. I'm Jess," she said, holding her hand out.

Clark looked at her hand, smiled slightly and offered his own hand for a shake. Plus the red lacy bra that was tangled between his fingers. Jess' eyes went wide as she saw what he was holding, and he took a moment longer before realising something wasn't quite right. He looked at his hand, looked at the bra and his mouth opened slightly. He then looked at Jess, glanced at the bra again before staring back at Jess with the same stunned expression she had, immediately ascertaining what she was no doubt assuming right about now.

"I…er…I'm…I don't…" he stammered, struggling to put together a coherent sentence as his face became redder and Jess slowly made her exit.

Lois breezed over nonchalantly. "Wow Smallville, didn't have you down for a playa!"

He looked at her stunned, confused and embarrassed all at once. Seeing her smirking with a playful glint in her eyes as she headed back to her desk, his face turned serious as he put two and two together.

"Lois!" he growled quietly, throwing the now-untangled bra to the floor.


	2. I've Got You Under My Skin

**Chapter 2: I've Got You Under My Skin.**

"Great, we'll see you at 8:00."

Jimmy and Chloe had arranged a movie night with Clark and Lois as it had been a while since the four of them had spent time together. Since getting engaged, the couple had been spending more time by themselves while their two friends were still single (and lonely, Jimmy thought). A movie night was just a nice and relaxing way to unwind after a busy week.

Along with work, Jimmy and Chloe had been tied up with their pre-wedding preparations, sometimes roping Lois in. Lois had somehow put herself in charge of the actual wedding day and reception which was to be held at the Kent farm in Clark's barn. Lois was also going hell for leather in seeking out Metropolis' newest Good Samaritan the Red-Blue Blur, and Clark had been kept busy as said anonymous hero. A chance to unwind was just the ticket.

It was a last-minute decision for everybody to gather at Clark's house rather than the increasingly cramped Talon apartment, and Clark had offered to let everyone stay the night if they wished since he had enough space. Jimmy felt it was only fair to supply the takeout and drinks since Clark had been so generous himself, so here they all were, feasting on pizzas, Buffalo wings, nachos and various sweet treats.

It had been agreed to make it a horror movie marathon so Chloe quickly suggested _Final Destination_ as it was scary and funny, to which Clark ventured that _Alien_ should be the follow-up as a genuine fright-fest. He knew Lois got jumpy during horror films and he felt a little revenge was in order after being embarrassed at work with the bra. Lois had recommended _The Ring_ which was quickly shot down by Chloe, not because it was a bad choice but because she'd rather not have to listen to Jimmy's lengthy ramble on why the Japanese original _Ringu_ was so much better.

Chloe put the DVD in and the case on the shelf but the case slipped and fell into the gap behind it. She sighed and went to retrieve the case, pulling the shelf out slightly. Reaching round the back, she found the case but also felt something else solid, which she grabbed and pulled out.

"Here's where it went!" she called out. When the others turned to look at her, she lifted up her digital camera, wiping it on her sleeve cuff to clear the little bit of dust that had gathered on it. "I've been looking for this for weeks and thought I'd lost it." She tried to switch it on but found that the battery had run out so she put it down on the coffee table and sat back down instead.

Jimmy and Clark were sat at either end of the large couch, with Chloe sitting leaning on Jimmy's chest with her feet tucked up as they munched on the bowl of popcorn perched in his lap. Lois was sitting upright beside Clark but with her feet up on the couch and a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Shelby had initially lain down by the fireplace but with all the noise from the movie, he retreated to snooze under the kitchen table instead.

"What a big baby," said Lois, spotting Shelby skulk away while still staring at the TV. Clark and Jimmy exchanged knowing looks.

After the first movie finished, everybody got up to stretch their legs, go for bathroom breaks or refresh their drinks. As Clark was alone in the kitchen for a moment, he tidied up the lounge and made a fresh batch of popcorn. Then it occurred to him that they'd be watching _Alien_. He looked on the kitchen counter and found a couple of packets of ketchup that had come with the Buffalo wings, and a devilish grin began to form on his face. _Oh this will be fun!_

The girls had decided to change into their night clothes in Clark's bedroom during the interval. Chloe had brought hers over from the apartment just in case she and Jimmy decided to spend the night, but since Lois had come straight over to Clark's after work, she didn't have any spares with her. She 'borrowed' one of Clark's sweatpants - pulling the drawstrings as tight as they would go, and rolling the leg cuffs a couple of times - and a flannel shirt, pulling her hair into a loose ponytail.

Clark decided he needed to act up a bit in the build up to his big moment, and he figured the easiest way to do that was to pretend that the Buffalo wings had given him a bit of indigestion. The shuffling in his seat and his apparent discomfort were the perfect cover. Once everybody had settled back down, Clark hit play and started _Alien_.

As the movie continued and the tension rose, Lois' face had been growing ever more fearful. She'd initially sat down as before but there was noticeably less munching of popcorn and she'd been moving closer and closer to Clark. Jimmy looked over Chloe's head which was again resting on his chest, and smirked at Lois. He saw Clark fidgeting in apparent discomfort and whispered, "Hey C.K., you alright?"

Clark whispered back that the wings had given him a touch of indigestion, and all eyes were on the movie again. By now and without realising, Lois had one of her hands on Clark's arm and looked ready to hide behind his shoulder at the next big scary moment. Clark resisted the urge to tease Lois and instead seized his chance for revenge.

He took the packet of ketchup he'd hidden next to him, held it in his hand and stealthily moved his hand under his t-shirt before slowly balling it into a fist below his chest. _Steady, steady, here comes the chestburster!_ In the movie, Kane started to convulse on the table as the rest of the Nostromo's crew tried to calm him, then the chestburster announced its presence. At the same time, Clark started to convulse on the couch, punching up the inside of his t-shirt frantically (but not too hard) and squeezing the packet of ketchup while letting out a bloodcurdling cry of pain.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Everybody in the room screamed and jumped up. Jimmy and Chloe grabbed onto each other while staring at Clark who had rolled down and off the couch, convulsing and with a big bloody patch on the front of his t-shirt where the alien was trying to burst through his chest. It was Lois' reaction however that needed to be recorded for posterity.

She'd leapt about 3 feet in the air while letting out the girliest shriek ever, even for a girl, as her hands flailed about either side of her head. Her nearly-full bowl of popcorn had been launched even higher, tipping its contents all over her while it landed upside down on her head. Her eyes were like saucers and her sweatpants had loosened in the pandemonium, sliding down to just above her knees leaving only the lengthy flannel shirt to provide a semblance of modesty.

Clark's howling in agony slowly gave way to a full-bellied laugh as he looked up at Lois' ridiculous state from the floor. He removed his 'chestburster' from beneath his t-shirt to reveal a ketchup-soaked arm and a balled-up fist containing the squashed ketchup packet. He wound up in the foetal position as he continued to laugh hysterically. He even had tears in his eyes.

Chloe and Jimmy slowly felt their heart rates plummet back to normal once they realised what had happened, and their frightened looks also turned into huge grins. Chloe let out a sigh of relief that turned into a chuckle as she slowly shook her head and put her hand on her heart, and Jimmy wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder as he began to laugh too.

By this time, Shelby had woken from his slumber again and dashed over to where he could nibble on the treats splayed out on the floor. Everyone turned to Lois, knowing that she'd been the unwitting victim of the scare prank. She grabbed the bowl from her head and tossed it onto the couch, and blew on her bangs which had a couple of kernels of popcorn hanging from the ends. Her face had turned bright red - even in the dim light - and was a mask of total apoplexy. Shelby's proximity caused her to sneeze which shook some more popcorn off her hair and shirt and onto the floor, where the grateful canine was busy hoovering up the snacks.

Lois' heart had been going at several hundreds beats per minute. She couldn't formulate a sentence at the moment so she let out an angry sigh, grabbed the waistband of her sweatpants to pull them back up, and charged off up the stairs to the bathroom, shoving Clark in the back with her foot along the way as he remained laying there laughing. They heard the bathroom door slam shut.

As things settled back to something approaching normal, Chloe and Jimmy watched Clark get back up. He put his ketchup-stained index finger in his mouth, licking off some of the ketchup and pointing his finger in the air to indicate that he'd chalked up a point for himself. The three of them fell about laughing as they began to tidy up the mess. The movie was still playing in the background but it was also very late and they'd long since given up continuing to watch.

Lois was tidying herself up in the bathroom, thinking about how to go all 'Ripley' on Clark's ass for embarrassing her like that.


	3. Writing's On The Wall

**Chapter 3: Writing's On The Wall.**

Latino guitar music was playing over the sound system, and was the sort of thing artists like Gustavo Santaolalla or Rodrigo y Gabriela might play during one of their more ambient moments on stage. It wasn't loud and intrusive but could still be heard clearly enough during conversation and it made for pleasant background noise. Externally, the restaurant itself looked like a typical modern establishment located near a plethora of other bars and restaurants - all steel and glass - whereas inside it had a cosy terracotta feel. The smell from the open grill by the kitchens permeated the venue with a delicate aroma of wood smoke and chipotle.

Lois had read about El Gordo in the lifestyle section of the Daily Planet the previous weekend, where the reviewer had raved about the quality of the food and the general ambience. Lois had previously tried another restaurant and a couple of bars the same reviewer had spoken highly of and she found herself to be in total agreement. If the reviewer liked a place, Lois now believed it was worth checking out. So here she was now having lunch with Clark.

They were due to meet with a source straight after lunch and Lois had decided it was worth a long lunch rather than grabbing a quick bite to eat like they usually did. Better than dashing to the office only to dash off again within half an hour. Also, she really wanted to try out El Gordo after reading about it.

"This seems like a nice place Lois," said Clark, looking around while picking at the plate of tortilla chips and guacamole in front of them.

"Yeah, I'm really glad it's not a themed restaurant. There's nothing more clichéd than seeing some lame Mariachi band in the corner, with the waiters all wearing sombreros and giant moustaches."

They'd been eyeing the menu and saw a waiter come over, who asked them if they were ready to order. Both had looked at the lunchtime special which was a sharing platter consisting of an assortment of tacos, tamales, salads, a house speciality of grilled fish with 3 different types of salsa, and an array of other authentic Mexican fare. They decided to go with that. The waiter recommended a non-alcoholic cocktail as the ideal accompaniment - a mixture of lime juice, mint, agave syrup and club soda. They agreed to try that too as it sounded refreshing.

The waiter brought over their drinks, followed shortly by the food. They tucked in and Lois liked the food so much, she finished more than half the platter and still wanted dessert. She eyed the hot chocolate and churros on the menu greedily, and once the waiter came back, she ordered it for them both.

The hot chocolate was a revelation, and worth coming to the restaurant for to sample on its own. The balance of bitter and sweet was perfection, and the light cinnamon note and velvety texture made it a cup of pure bliss.

"Mmm, now this is better than sex," Lois purred as she sipped her hot chocolate, loud enough to catch the attention of the two men sat at the table next to theirs. They turned to look at her in appreciation, causing her to look away in embarrassment and Clark to snort and shake his head. He agreed that it was excellent however.

As she'd finished, Lois said she was going to the ladies room, leaving Clark to pick up the tab. In the ladies room, Lois realised she may have overdone it a little. She was feeling so full. The side walls of the stall were plain but the inside of the door had a slightly angry-looking Mariachi band painted on. _Why would they put that on the doors?_ As she finished, she spotted a bit of graffiti on one of the side walls. It read:

 _"If you're looking for a fun time, call Rich on [number supplied]."_

That gave her an idea. She took out a pen from her bag and crossed out the name and number of Rich, replacing them with the letter C and Clark's cellphone number. Smiling to herself, she exited the stall and freshened up at the sink before heading back out to a waiting Clark.

They'd just taken a few shorts steps outside the restaurant when Lois had another idea. She stopped walking and put her hand to her stomach, causing Clark to stop walking, turn around and look back. "Smallville, wait right here, I think I need to go again," she said, heading back into the restaurant and nodding to the waiter before walking back into the ladies room.

She went into a different stall to previously, took out her pen again and scrawled on the wall:

"Satisfaction garanteed [sic], Call C on…" and leaving Clark's number again. After a few minutes waiting, she headed back out.

They'd walked for two blocks and needed to walk a couple more to get to where they were meeting their source - a greasy burger joint. Lois felt the need for the bathroom again, leaving Clark outside on the street as she dashed into the nearest bar - a place called Ike's. Once inside, she asked one of the bar staff where the ladies room was, looking like she was desperate. The young man pointed her in the right direction and she made a beeline for it. Stepping in, the stalls were all occupied but it was only a moment before one of them became vacant. Lois walked in and closed the door.

She took out her pen and scrawled on the wall:

"If you have an itch, I can scratch it for you. Call The Farmboy on…" Clark's number was added. She walked back out and saw Clark still waiting patiently.

"Lois, are you alright?" he asked, looking a little concerned.

"I'm fine Smallville, but I think some of that Mexican food disagreed with me."

"Well I wouldn't know, since you ate most of mine too. Whoever decided that was for sharing clearly never met Lois Lane," he snarked.

Lois narrowed her eyes and walked on. They were soon outside the burger joint where their source worked. Clark opened the front door and Lois stepped inside.

The meeting with their source was a formality and it wasn't really anything that Clark couldn't handle by himself. The questions and answers were pretty obvious and the source was merely there to provide confirmation of a small and relatively trivial aspect of their story's bigger picture. Since it was a little tedious, Lois decided to play up her stomach issues and asked for the toilets. Clark watched her leave and went back to talking to the source.

The ladies room was pretty grim, and Lois was sure the system was backed up somewhere because there was an unpleasant smell in the air. Holding a napkin to cover her nose and mouth so she could breathe, she scrawled another message hastily on the wall, surprised that it wasn't covered in graffiti already.

"Wash away those blues, Call the Love Machine on…" She was having too much fun with this. Clark had embarrassed her immensely when he'd scared her on movie night and this was the perfect payback. She didn't know how many women would call him after seeing these messages, but she expected at least a couple. In her Met U days, she'd called a couple of the numbers scrawled on the walls around the campus and in bars, just for a laugh, so she knew somebody would bite. It was just a waiting game.

* * *

The bullpen was quiet as everybody else had gone home. It was almost 10:00 in the evening and Lois and Clark were working late as they continued researching for their story. Lois' stomach had apparently settled down after her last visit to the ladies room back at the Planet an hour ago. Unbeknownst to him, she'd left a message on the wall in there too. _You never know._

Clark was busy typing away at his computer as Lois came back to the bullpen, heading to the coffee station for a refill. Clark's cellphone rang. After seeing it was an unknown number, he answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hi," was the drawled reply. It was a female voice. "Is that the Love Machine?"

"Excuse me, who is this?"

"I'm told you can help me wash away those blues," continued the woman.

Clark looked confused. "I'm sorry but I think you've got the wrong number." With that, he hung up.

Lois made her way back to her desk, gesturing to ask who it was.

"Oh, wrong number," replied Clark, placing his phone on the desk and getting back to his typing. Things were quiet again for a while until his phone rang again, and again it was an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Well hello to you too Mr Love Machine!" came the excited female voice on the line. She sounded drunk.

"Mr Love Ma-," he spluttered before adding, "You have the wrong person Ma'am."

He couldn't see Lois silently laughing away behind her computer screen. They continued to work until 11:30 before deciding it was time to head home. Clark had super-sped instead of bringing his truck so he waited until the coast was clear before speeding out of the bullpen.

* * *

Clark had been fast asleep when he heard his phone ringing. He didn't know how long it had been going but he glanced over at his clock, which read 3:22. Taking a deep breath, he got up and reached for the phone. Lois and Chloe were very unlikely to ring at such a late hour. Even Oliver chose not to disturb him at such a time, especially if there wasn't a Justice League matter to handle. Clark answered the phone without looking at the caller.

"Hello?" he said in a sleepy voice.

"Hey there Farmboy!" came the reply, a female voice. In his sleepy haze, he hadn't really registered the name in his conscious mind. It was tucked away at the very back somewhere.

"Hello, who is this?"

"My name's not important. What _is_ important is what you can do for me. See, I have an itch that only you can scratch." It was a breathy whisper.

"Huh? What? What do you mean?"

The voice was still breathy. "Well, right now I'm picturing your hand grazing my knee, sliding up my inner thigh, until your thumb rubs against my-"

Clark's eyes went wide and he sat up, ending the call and holding the phone like it was a live grenade. He didn't have any idea what was going on other than suddenly receiving a number of funny phone calls. He ruffled his hair in confusion as his slumbering brain simultaneously felt the need for rest as well as to make sense of what had just happened.

* * *

Another day of working late, only this time punctuated by several phone calls asking for the Love Machine. Clark was now very irritable and had even managed to knock his coffee over in his annoyance, spilling the contents all over the paperwork on his desk. As he was cleaning up his mess, his phone rang again. He didn't bother to check the caller, instead angrily answering, "What!"

"Whoa there tiger! What's got your panties in a twist?"

"Nothing," he answered wearily before apologising and adding, "Well, I keep getting those phone calls. Somehow my number's been given out to every needy woman in Metropolis."

"Maybe you should start a male escort service, Smallville!" Lois teased.

"Lois!"

"Alright alright," she laughed. "I'm just calling to ask you to meet me outside the Ace of Clubs. Our other lead might pan out a little sooner than we thought."

"Lois, I'm swamped with stuff here. Can't you handle it on your own?" Clark suggested, irritation building up again.

"Nuh uh. Listen Farmboy, we are a team but I call the shots. Meet me outside the Ace of Clubs in 15 minutes," she ordered. With that she ended the call.

Clark looked at his phone and sighed. Looking over to the files piled on the end of his desk caused his head to drop. It had been a stressful day. _Wait, she called me Farmboy. Haven't I heard that recently?_

His thoughts were broken by yet another phone call. Metropolis' women really must be desperate. "Hello?"

"Um…are you The Farmboy?" said a giggling woman, and several others were giggling in the background.

"No I'm not. I've been getting these calls all day and I want to know how you got my number," said Clark, trying to keep his annoyance at bay.

"Oh, it was at this place on 7th. Do you know Ike's?" she said.

Clark's mind whirred into action as he recalled standing outside there a few days earlier. Lois had gone in needing the bathroom. He hung up the call abruptly. Before he'd taken even one step to head out of the bullpen, his phone rang again. He wasn't surprised to see that the number was unknown. He answered it anyway.

"Hey there big boy, I think you got somethin' for me." It was a man! Clark blinked twice. "Question is: can you handle _me_?" It was an effeminate sounding man!

"Who are you?" Clark asked, fed up.

"Somebody who wants to know you _intimately_ ," said the male voice, clearly familiar with how these things worked.

"Where did you get my number?"

"Oh honey, your number is burned in my mind! But if you must know, I got it off a friend called El Gordo."

Clark was stunned. He cut the caller off and switched off his phone. Now his mind was putting all the pieces together. El Gordo. Ike's. Farmboy. Love Machine. _Lois left my number in all those ladies rooms she visited that day!_

He was fuming. Checking no-one was watching, he sped away towards the Ace of Clubs. Spotting her outside, he walked briskly towards her, calling out, "You!" She started laughing as she realised he'd finally cottoned on.

" _You_ left my number in all those ladies rooms! Do you have any idea what you did? I'm getting called constantly by women looking for a good time!" Seeing her doubling over while laughing harder, he whined, "Not funny Lois!" He had no intention of mentioning that his last caller was probably a drag queen.

Between laughs, she replied, "I'm sorry Smallville, but it totally is. You should have seen your face!" Then she stopped laughing and became semi-serious. "That's what you get for scaring me on movie night."

Clark looked down resigned before flaring up suddenly. "Now I have to change my number Lois!"

She merely shrugged her shoulders before heading into the Ace of Clubs. Clark sighed and followed. He had to do something.


	4. Knowing Me, Knowing You

**Chapter 4: Knowing Me, Knowing You.**

Jimmy was rummaging through the CDs in the glove compartment. "Man, is any of this stuff yours? It's all hair metal C.K."

Jimmy's photographic assignment had dragged on a few hours too long so he'd called to let Chloe know he'd be late. Since Clark was also staying behind after work to tie up a few loose ends (including a couple of saves as the Red-Blue Blur), he'd offered Jimmy a ride back home.

"Somehow, Lois' questionable music finds its way everywhere. I'm sure even you've found a few Whitesnake CDs amongst your stuff, Jimmy," said Clark. Jimmy replied with a knowing nod.

"In return, she's taken half my shirts," Clark continued.

Jimmy smiled. "I know, she sleeps in those things! You know what they say, when a girl gets comfortable in a guy's shirts, it means she has a thing for the guy. When a guy lets a girl wear his shirts, he's marking his territory!"

"Marking his t-…that's ridiculous. Lois doesn't have a thing for me. Have you seen us together? We argue ALL the time!" Clark replied defensively, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"Oh, I've seen you two alright!" Jimmy countered suggestively. Clark squirmed in his seat even more.

Seeing Clark's discomfort, Jimmy decided to stop pestering him and reached into his backpack, pulling out an ABBA album. "You don't mind do you?" he asked, showing Clark the album cover.

"No, go right ahead."

Jimmy inserted the CD and they listened to ABBA tunes for the rest of the ride. Clark didn't mind the music so much. It wasn't his sort of thing but it wasn't offensive to his ears. He remembered as a child how his mom often listened to older pop music on the radio in the kitchen so he was familiar with the likes of the Carpenters and ABBA. His dad loved Johnny Cash.

"Chloe teases me for liking ABBA, and Lois can't stand them. She says they made music for people who don't like music. Can you believe that?"

Clark laughed. Then he had a thought. "Hey Jimmy, do you mind if I borrow this CD? There's some good stuff on here."

Jimmy perked up. "Smart guy! You know what, keep this one. I have at least one other copy lying around somewhere."

Clark narrowed his eyes and turned to Jimmy as if questioning him. Jimmy shrugged his shoulders and smiled sheepishly.

* * *

Clark pulled his truck into the alley beside the Talon, and he and Jimmy made their way into the apartment. Chloe was in the kitchen making coffee when they walked in. Lois was in the shower.

Before anyone could say anything, Lois called out from the bathroom, "Hey Chlo, I just realised I left my phone in the car. Could you do me a favour and get it for me? My keys are on the side."

"OK," replied Chloe.

Clark was standing beside the table on the side and saw Lois' keys there, along with a pad of Post-It notes, a few pens, a tube of Superglue and a mini stapler.

"Chloe wait, let me. I think I left the truck unlocked anyway," said Clark quickly. Chloe nodded so he grabbed the keys and the Superglue as the bones of an idea formed in his head.

Walking back out to Lois' car, he remembered she had a CD player where you could remove the fascia for security reasons. It also came with a mini remote control which she stashed amongst all her other junk in the little cubby hole in front of the gearshift. She probably never used it and with all the mess, would never notice if it was missing.

He first went to his truck and retrieved the ABBA CD before locking up. Unlocking Lois' car, he got in the driver's seat (after rolling it back so he could fit in) and pocketed her phone which was on the passenger seat. Starting the engine, he immediately turned the volume knob right down on her CD player to drown out any noise from the hair metal CD that was in there. Removing her CD, he put it in the glove compartment beneath the stack of CDs already in there, and then popped in the ABBA album. Grateful that her CD player had a volume knob rather than volume buttons, he started scanning through the album to see that it played OK. He also tested the remote control which he intended to take with him. Everything worked perfectly.

Turning off the engine, he took out the Superglue. The volume knob was put on a high setting (though not full blast) and glued in place. He then applied small dabs of glue to the other buttons on the fascia so they couldn't be pressed, followed by gluing the fascia into its slot so it couldn't be removed. Popping the remote control into his pants pocket, he got out, re-adjusted the seat and locked the car before heading back to the apartment. _Lois was in for one hell of a commute tomorrow!_

Lois was still in the shower when he re-entered the apartment. Putting Lois' keys, phone and Superglue back on the table, he told Chloe and Jimmy he was heading back home as it was getting late. Jimmy thanked him for the ride and everybody said they'd see each other tomorrow. With that, Clark left.

* * *

Lois had woken up a little late so was in a rush to leave for work. That meant that while she'd showered and changed, she had no time for breakfast. No coffee in the mornings made for a cranky start to the day. She grabbed her bag, keys and phone and left the apartment. Jimmy and Chloe were still asleep as he had the day off and they were tackling a few pre-wedding tasks today.

She got in her car, hoping that traffic on the way in would be kind. The road leading into Metropolis had been undergoing maintenance over the past month so the commute took a bit longer than usual which was why Lois hadn't had time for breakfast. Her seat was a little too far back but there was nothing untoward to forewarn her of what was about to happen. She started the engine, and from her position she couldn't see Clark standing in the alleyway of the building across the street.

The opening bars of 'Waterloo' caused her to almost jump out of her seat.

"What the hell?" she said as she turned to her CD player. The light shining through her rear window onto the dashboard had done a great job of hiding the fact that her CD player had Superglue all over the buttons. She turned off the engine and gathered herself. Lois knew she had no other choice but to drive in order to make it to work on time so she fired up the engine again. Again she was 'serenaded' by the sounds of ABBA. By this time, Clark had walked up to the Talon's alley and hidden behind a dumpster. As soon as he saw the car start up and heard the music blaring again, he pressed the fast forward button on the remote control so the CD player skipped to a later portion of the song.

Lois was in the car frantically pressing every button on her CD player to no avail. She couldn't get it open or switch it off and her caffeine-deprived mind was really struggling with the assault on her eardrums. Giving up, she put the car in drive and peeled away frustrated. She was going to kill Jimmy when she saw him later!

She never spotted Clark at any point during her commute from hell, and could only sit there embarrassed and shellshocked as passers-by and other commuters turned to give her funny looks as the music continued to blare from her CD. Clark had been using his super-speed to stay within range to use the remote control and he was having a whale of a time fiddling with the songs, skipping through them, forwarding through portions of the songs and occasionally skipping back to repeat previous songs.

"Great! Not only did he put this crap on, but it doesn't even work properly!" huffed Lois, getting more and more irritated.

Clark also tried fiddling with the volume control and when he found that it worked, he messed about by sometimes reducing the volume, sometimes muting it and then turning it way back up. Lois was so annoyed she even thought about getting her car run over by a tank or maybe shelling it to smithereens. Clark's super-hearing had picked up on her irritation and left him grinning widely the entire time.

"This is not happening!"

Arriving at a temporary roadblock, she tried to avoid the gaze of two patrol officers who were looking at her car. It was so obvious that her car was the source of the sounds of 1970s Swedish pop that could be heard next to the usual sounds of road noise and car horns. Opening her phone, she sent a message to Clark:

 _"Need your help when I reach office. Lois"_

After another hour or so of torture, Lois pulled her car into a space on a street around the corner from the Daily Planet and switched the engine off. Her ears were ringing and her brain was in the bizarre situation of now knowing the words to songs like 'Mamma Mia!' despite her vehement protests. She sat there for a moment trying to gather her senses - desperate for a coffee to reignite her synapses - before getting out and locking up. Charging into the building and running down to the bullpen, she spotted Clark sitting on her desk.

As he saw her walk in, he got up and asked, "I got your message Lois. What's the S.O.S?"

"S.O-" she repeated as her eyes went wide. _No, it couldn't be!_ Walking round to her desk, she spotted a cup of coffee and the ABBA album cover. Her mouth opened and she turned to look at Clark again. He was standing there with his arms folded with the slightest hint of smugness on his face.

"Smallville, I am going to kill you!"


	5. Champagne Supernova

**Chapter 5: Champagne Supernova.**

"Chloe, are you sure you want to do this?"

Jimmy was nervously pacing about the living room of the Talon apartment. Chloe was staring at her laptop while sat at the kitchen counter, rolling her eyes at Jimmy on account of his pacing and nervousness.

"Jimmy relax, it's just a bit of fun. And after everything they've done to each other over the past few weeks, they are both ripe for setting up," she replied.

"Yeah but, it's C.K. and Lois. He might get pretty mad but Lois? Hah well, Lois will actually want to kill me. I mean, KILL me kill me." He scrunched his face and mimicked being hung from a noose.

"Jimmy, she's the one who borrowed my camera and then lost it. Besides, it's really just a bit of harmless fun. And you have to admit, they are so cute together!" she squealed.

Jimmy stopped pacing for a moment, still unsure.

"I don't know." He was rubbing his hair. "I agree they make a great couple even if they don't see it for themselves. I mean, you and me are engaged and getting married in a couple of weeks, but they act more like a couple than we do, and that's saying something."

Chloe smiled and turned back to Jimmy. "Don't get me wrong, I know it's a bit cheeky of us…" taking in Jimmy's sceptical expression she quickly added, "…well, of me…but I think they need a nudge. This flirting and dancing around each other is fun to watch, but sooner or later that ball needs to be played into the end zone."

She crinkled her nose at the metaphor and made an 'ignore that' gesture at Jimmy's startled reaction. "Look, all we're doing is giving them a taste of their own medicine. They've been playing pranks on each other for weeks. We both saw what happened on movie night. It's time we got them both to put an end to this, and make them see that they might actually be good for each other."

"Alright, so say you go ahead with this, are you just going to hand it to 'em?"

"No, I'm thinking we stage it as another movie night, this time over here. It'll be easier to rig up and I really want to see their faces when there's nowhere to hide," Chloe suggested, looking around at the cluttered living space. _Where did all those scatter cushions come from?_

Jimmy hung his head and sighed, so Chloe took this as her cue to insert a blank DVD into her laptop and proceed to hit 'Copy' on the software she'd loaded up.

* * *

Lois was leaning against the fridge daydreaming. It had been a bizarre couple of days for her even by Smallville standards. She'd started the week thinking she really needed to give the two lovebirds some space and, eyeing the clutter they'd all spent the last half an hour tidying up, it seemed an obvious decision. Another obvious decision was to move back to the Kent farm. There was plenty of space with only Clark living there and she'd developed a level of tolerance for pet hairs, if not slobber. She and Clark had become much more comfortable around each other since they'd started working together, and the to-and-fro banter and bickering was still fun even if he could still annoy her. It was when she'd practically moved back in that things turned downright bizarre.

She'd had the most lucid dream about being trapped on some alien planet with Clark. Not only that, but Clark's cousin Kara was there too. She seemed to know about secret portals and other mystical mumbo-jumbo and Clark did not seem to be at all perturbed by the situation. Indeed, he was her heroic knight in shining armour and she'd felt safer when he was nearby. Lois blanched at the fact she'd admitted as much to him yesterday. _Farmboy a hero? Never!_

All this weird and unexplained - _Chloe would love that!_ \- brought her thoughts to Tess Mercer. She was sure that Tess was looking for the smallest reason for which to fire her much like Lex had, but instead Tess had said - to her face no less - that she'd underestimated her and that Lois' penchant for getting scoops that others wouldn't risk was actually an asset to the Daily Planet and worthy of a pay raise. _Maybe I'm still on this alien planet._

Lois' zone out was interrupted by a dull knock on the door. Clearing her thoughts quickly, she moved to the door, looked through the peephole and opened it. Clark was stood outside in his usual red jacket, blue t-shirt and jeans combo, holding three heaving bags laden with Chinese food and various snacks. Lois grabbed one of the bags as Clark stepped in.

"For future reference Smallville, that thing on your wrist also tells the time."

Clark narrowed his eyes and snarked back, "Well I'm sorry if _some_ people keep ringing me to change their order!"

Lois ignored the jibe and walked over to the kitchen counter, emptying the contents of the bag she was holding and quickly swiping a pack of chocolate chip cookies. There was an assortment of chips, cookies and candy in there, and one corner of the counter had an array of soda cans and bottles. There was also a 6-pack of beers in the fridge.

Chloe stepped out of her bedroom where she'd moved a few items from the living room, greeted Clark and helped him put the various containers of Chinese food on the counter's available space. She grabbed chopsticks, forks and napkins and put them on the coffee table.

Clark looked around the space. "Where's Jimmy?"

At that, Jimmy popped his head up from behind the couch, to which Clark quickly turned round. "C.K., check it out. New sound system!" pointing to the speaker bar in front of the TV that he'd plugged into the mains behind the couch.

"Hey Jimmy. So what's the plan for tonight - Action? Westerns? Musicals?" asked Clark looking at Jimmy pointedly with the last suggestion, causing Jimmy to grin back sheepishly, suitably embarrassed as yet another person knew of his penchant for Hollywood musicals.

"Comedy," said Lois, walking into the living room and munching on an egg roll. "Not romcoms, you'll be disappointed to learn, but actual hah hah funny stuff." Looking at Jimmy and Chloe, "Starting with _Airplane!_ "

They all sat down - Jimmy chose to sit on the floor - and began to watch the movie while eating. For the next hour and a bit, they simply sat, ate and laughed. Once the end credits rolled, Chloe began to tidy up and everybody took turns for a bathroom break.

Suitably refreshed, they all went back to the living room where Chloe was rummaging through her DVD collection. Lois and Clark couldn't see the devious smirk on her face. Lois had brought over the snacks and some drinks, placing them on the coffee table before sitting back down.

"What do you all say to _Dumb & Dumber_?" asked Chloe, still rummaging through the DVDs.

"Couple of idiots on the loose? Sure why not! Although I was kinda hoping for something funnier," said Lois, nibbling on a cookie.

Chloe fought to hold back her laugh as she popped a DVD into the player, pressing play and sitting down, cuddling into Jimmy because she knew what was coming. The DVD started jerkily which didn't raise anyone's suspicions because well-worn DVDs often went a bit funny during playback.

* * *

 _The picture was dark as if something was right in front of the camera. Loud music was audible but wasn't recognisable. As the picture became focussed, a figure slowly loomed into view and as they stepped further back and stood up, it became clear that it was a woman. Her face was a little flushed and she had a daydreaming smile and glazed eyes. Her long brown hair was down to her shoulders and her bangs hung over the right side of her head. Though she was barely staying in the centre of the shot, most of her upper half was still visible. She was wearing a red Smallville High football jersey which was on back-to-front and bore the name 'Kent' and the number 8 in a bold yellow. Stepping further back, it became obvious that she was wearing little else. She turned to her left and slurred in a slightly shrill voice, "Smallville! Get your ass down here now!"_

Lois froze in shock, her cookie dropping into her lap. Clark was equally stunned, and he could recognise the kitchen in the background. The video was taken at his house. The 'when' was obvious, but how?

 _The music in the background became clearer - perhaps because the volume had been turned up - and would have been instantly recognisable even before Lois decided to start singing and dancing - singing being the polite way of saying "screeching" because it was certainly painful to listen to for anybody with ears._

 _"Oh Clarkie, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Clarkie, Hey Clarkie..."_

Watching the video, Lois' eyes had gone as wide as saucers and she could only croak out, "Oh. My. God!"

 _Lois burst into an uncontrolled giggling fit before putting her arms down her sides, turning to her right and bending to a squat where she stuck both her ass and her chest out provocatively, running her arms back up her body as she slowly got back to a standing position, still facing side-on to the camera. She turned her body slowly to face the camera as she rocked her hips to one side to keep her chest and ass out as her arms continued upwards, VERY slowly over the sides of her chest before splaying out above her head in a Y-shape as she leaned back at the hips._

Lois was sitting transfixed with her eyes wide open and her fingers covering her mouth. The connotations one might associate with a pretty girl wearing little else but her man's football jersey notwithstanding, it was like watching a drunken cheerleader without her pom-poms, but still no doubt highly arousing for any red-blooded male.

 _Lois took a small stumble forward, letting out a little squeal followed by another giggle. Clark could now be heard off camera._

 _"Hey Lois, whatcha doin'?" He was just to the right of the frame and was wearing dark sweatpants and a grey t-shirt._

Clark was sat watching dumbstruck. "Whaaaaaa-?"

 _"Hey Clarkie, I want you to come over and dance!" drawled Lois breathily, grabbing hold of Clark by the waist thus forcing him to hold her arms._

 _"Lois, I don't think that's a good idea. I think you should go to sleep," argued Clark as the reluctant (and sober) dancing partner._

 _"Awwww but I wanna, come on!" whined Lois like a petulant child, grabbing Clark again._

 _Clark reluctantly agreed, and the two began a drunken ballroom dance just left of centre. Lois could barely stand up straight and Clark was as stiff as a board_ [A/N: not like that!] _as she ground her body against him from time to time. The music in the background was still 80s pop so the dancing had no connection to or rhythm with the music. After a minute or so, Clark actually seemed to be very happy to be dancing - really getting into it even though he still looked clumsy. Lois leaned into him and attempted to lift her leg so she could lean back and dip while he held her thigh but it was so uncoordinated that she would have fallen flat on her back if Clark hadn't leaned over and grabbed her somewhat roughly around her waist. No matter. She was into her groove now and motioned her arm upwards wanting to be twirled so Clark held her arm above her head. She twirled but stumbled again, her back colliding with whatever surface was holding the camera._

Clark shuffled nervously further into the couch. He had no idea this had all been filmed. He wasn't the one who'd been swilling champagne and Bellinis all night so had no reason to be behaving the way he did. Was he just trying to let Lois tire herself out and fall asleep or was it something else? Even now, he didn't know the answer to that. What was it Jimmy had said about shirts?

 _Lois giggled again and the camera, which had clearly been rocked back by the impact, provided a quick glimpse of the ceiling as it flipped backwards over the edge before the picture went dark again. The video was still going though because the very next thing to be heard was, "Outta the way Smallville, I don't feel so good."_

After this, there was no picture or sound for about 30 seconds before the DVD stopped.

At that exact moment, Jimmy flew off the couch, jumped over the coffee table and dived for his bedroom, with Chloe following a beat behind. "Go go go go go!" urged Chloe as they headed into the bathroom before shutting the door and locking it. Hysterical laughter could be heard behind the door.

Lois and Clark were still sat side by side on the couch, wide eyed. They slowly turned to look at one another, the shock evident on both their faces. He'd seen that exact look once before a few years ago when she was standing in her bathroom doorway in all her naked glory, holding a shower massager over her head. Despite the other visuals, he still managed to picture her face from back then. Seeing this home video, it was clear that she'd flirted with him and also clear that he'd been receptive. Then they both turned red with embarrassment - Lois even more so - before she came to her senses. She swivelled her head towards the bathroom door as her face became contorted in fury. She leapt to her feet and charged towards the door, banging it repeatedly.

"CHHHLLLOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she yelled.

After a moment, Chloe opened the door slightly. "Well, you guys have been playing this little game for weeks, trying to one-up each other. I'd just like to point out that no matter who wins, you both lose." With that she shut the door again.

Lois turned back round slowly to see Clark sitting there rubbing his hands in his hair with a dazed expression on his face. Leaning against the door, she sighed, feeling utterly defeated. She went and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and popped the cap.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking," she said to nobody and with that, she took a large swig.

* * *

 **FIN.**


End file.
